The paradox of the possible and the necessary

Through the lens of: Kierkegaard

If you are feeling overwhelmed and frustrated, and perhaps even angry, exploring your experience through the lens of founding existentialist, Søren Kierkegaard (1813-55), could shed some light on what’s going on, and how to make changes. In this short piece we explore Kierkegaard’s paradox of the possible and the necessary, and how ‘negative’ feelings, such as despair and anger can be used as a message to work with, therapeutically.

Danish philosopher, Søren Kierkegaard, described his own emotions in minute detail and with particular concern for despair. Today, we might call this depression or anxiety. Kierkegaard theorised that people are a synthesis of the possible and the necessary. The necessary includes those activities we cannot avoid such as sleeping and eating. Many of us only live with the necessary and to make things worse, we fill our world of the necessary with resentments and feelings of duty. Kierkegaard believed that if people expand into areas of possibilities, we then lead fulfilled lives. Although we need to live the necessary, and so cannot solely experience the possible, our lives should be an oscillation between the necessary and the possible.

From a practical point of view, this all seems very well… if you are in a position to enjoy your work and lead a balanced enough life which allows for regular periods of rest and relaxation. However, for many of us, this is far from the reality. We have responsibilities, quite probably financial worries, and not uncommonly, feelings of overwhelm and exhaustion. Anger simmers somewhere inside, which we often struggle to suppress, rather than allowing ourselves to safely feel it, and try to understand what it is telling us.

Case study – Melanie (all ‘characters’ and case studies are invented)

Working mother, Melanie, feels burdened by her busy life. Melanie is multi-tasking and feeling stuck with all of the things she is obligated to do. An existential therapist could engage in twofold work with her: on one hand, her experience of the necessary could be explored.

Let’s use the example of teaching her child to do the washing up. Melanie approaches this task with resentment, as yet another job she wearily has to do. With a simple change of one word, got to get (“I’ve got to teach my child to do the washing up” becomes “I get to teach my child…”), her outlook towards the necessary changes, and she may engage with what she previously saw as duties, in a more joyful manner. (This tip, of course, is not specifically annotated in the works of our 19th century philosopher, but rather, inspired by his ideas.) Could this interaction become a fun activity rather than a chore? This is clearly simplistic, but being open to changing our mindsets can have surprising, and often powerful, results.

Living according to our values

On the other hand, and alongside reframing the necessary, a therapist could encourage Melanie to open up to the possible through exploring her interests, and giving them more room in her life.

However, if it becomes clear that she is working to full capacity, with no reprieve in her life of the necessary, to allow in the possible, deeper work could include assessing Melanie’s values to see whether she is living according to these. Values are things that matter to us. Often our feelings of resentment, anger, or depression, are important messages telling us our values are not being respected or are under threat. This is fundamental work because if Melanie understands the message her anger is telling her about her values being violated, she can then act upon it to change her life.

It might be helpful to ask yourself the following questions. How is your life balance? Are you experiencing both the necessary and the possible? How could you open your life up, a little more, to the possible, and live according to your values?

In the words of Kierkegaard:

The most common form of despair is not being who you are.

Therapy can help you to hear the messages from your feelings, so you can find the path (back) to who you are.